Homecoming

I just got back from a week of being in Manila. It was my longest stay back since I moved here 6 months ago. I have been back a total of three times (I know, I'm spoiled!). I've been back thrice for a personal trip usually lasting 4 days 3 nights max. Every trip has been a barrage of emotions.

The first trip back was in June, only a month and a half of being away. It felt strange because I still thought of Manila as home and it didn't feel like I was on "vacation". I felt high seeing friends and family whom I haven't seen for a couple of weeks. I had lots of new experiences to talk about. I missed my loved ones terribly and I looked forward to that trip rather badly. It saved me because if not, I might have given up and gone home after the homesickness wave.

My second trip back was last August. Again it was different as I had more or less adjusted to Singapore life and estabished a routine. Manila still felt like home but it was a home that I felt was dirty and confusing. I was just starting to discover Singapore then with its efficiency and first world planning and facilities. By contrast, Manila with its traffic, pollution and inept government made me think twice about living there again. It felt small, as if there was nothing new to discover again.

My third trip back was early October for my birthday weekend and to celebrate my youngest sister's debut. It was a reunion of sorts, first night with family and relatives at my sister's party. Second night with friends at my party. It was a compact trip back whereby I was able to see people that are close to my heart. I was just coming from a high of the weekend before whereby I was able to do things in my Singapore bucket list like jog around our block and watch a play by myself. But then I thought, what good are those things if you don't have someone to share a drink with after the jog or someone to talk to about the play. It was bittersweet to see everyone but it didn't feel sad after because I knew I would be back soon for my work trip.

This last trip as mentioned was the longest one so far. It was strange to spend that long a time in old familiar places and re-establish routines. Singapore felt like it never happened at all. In no time, I was back to old habits again: things that I wanted so badly to change and climb out of before because I felt that I was stuck in a rut. Surprisingly, I looked forward to these things. Like attending a press meeting, catching up with office people, answering emails at the office, going to my grandma's, having lunch with my family, eating dinner with him at our favorite restaurant, drinks with friends Friday night at usual haunts.

I dreaded leaving. It's harder to say goodbye after a long trip. Somehow, my Singapore life felt so surreal. Now that I am back here, I have mixed feelings about this whole situation. I miss him and my family and my friends. I miss having a close network of people who genuinely care. Strangely enough, I also miss the old familiar routines. But at the same time, being here now reminds me of what I love about this life. Living alone with my own rules, being independent and selfish with what when and how I want things, having time to myself, exploring a new city and discovering what I am capable of.

Each life has its own pro's and con's. I don't regret my time here at all because I have lived and learned. I know that there's more to come. But at the same time, I know that my time here has an expiration date.

There's always that part of a movie wherein the hero realizes what is important in his life - love or career (or whatever at that point the hero is after - pride, money, etc). And always, there is only one answer in all those movies.

The Bucket List

My friend Ginger visited over the weekend and she told me she's thinking of starting a checklist of things she wants to do and that I should so the same. Brilliant.


I told myself I wanted to move here to experience living abroad, to see if I can live independently, and to do things I have not yet been able to do in Manila living under my parents' roof. I have always wanted to live in a 1st world country and be on my own. Maybe more as a test to see if I can make it. So I left my loving family and boyfriend, suffered through homesickness and just to see if I can do it.


But today, I just stayed home the whole day, surfed the internet, read blogs and watched the 2nd season of how i met your mother. I wouldn't have been able to laze around the entire Sunday back in Manila (what with the usual scheduled family lunches and dinners) but still... not exactly how I pictured things.


So I made a list of what I have done so far in my 4 months and to see what I still need to do to make the most of this experience:



- I have learned to cook pasta - and realized anything can be tossed with it- , plus white rice, fried rice, garlic rice. Unfortunately, I still have to learn to do my one signature dish. My mom has spoiled me so far with all the cooked frozen food she brought with her. So to do: learn a signature dish from scratch

- I have always envied the scenes in movies with main characters jogging around a park - exercising in the great outdoors. Manila does not have nice clean parks to jog around in. The village would be the next best thing but one is surrounded by gated houses and not greenery. I brought over my rubber shoes and 1 - 2 excercise outfits to do some jogging at least once a week. But I never have. So to do: jog around Singapore Gardens (or even around my block)... at least once.

- I realize that I truly am a clean person. I like the routine of doing chores. Every Saturday morning, I roll out of bed at noon, sweep my room, scrub my bathroom and do my laundry. I always wash the dishes after I eat and if ever I do dump anything in the sink, it would only be a glass and a spoon, max. I can actually live without a maid. But the one thing I have yet to learn aside from cook from scratch is how to iron. I have a pile of clothes due for ironing that I have put off for a month now. So to do: learn to once and for all, iron my clothes.

- I am obssessed with first world living. I love the idea of new restaurants to try, fabulous clubs and bars to discover, exhibits and festivals to go to. So far, I have been able to compile a list of go-to restaurants for visitors (cheap hawker-style and expensive chi-chi settings), gone dancing and drinking until 4 in the morning (with no wru text from my mom), obssesively scouted the luxe guide and time out magazine, tried out cafes and desserts, hung out in destination areas. I have yet to experience though watching a play, going to a concert (I chickened out of going alone to Singfest where Alicia Keys, Simple Plan, Newfound Glory played), experiencing full exhibits, museums, and fairs. So to do: all of the above.

- I left Manila because I felt I always end up in the same places - UCC Podium, Rockwell Cinema, the Fort resto's, Shangri-la mall. I want to discover and visit new places on any given weeke-end. So far, I think I have more or less memorized Orchard (and been inside most of the malls), gone to two cinemas, explored the Marina Bay Area, gone to Chinatown and its little streets, hung out in all the quays (Boat Quay, Clarke Quay, Roberson Quay). I've gone to some tourist spots: Night Safari (1st trip here), Botanical Gardens, Sentosa. But there's still a lot of "heard-of-but-never-been-to-places": Little India, Arab St. (been there once but stores were closed), East area, Jurong, Ang Mo Kio and other exotic sounding names. So to do: discover more. The funny thing is, now that I am more familair with the places, it amazes me how everything in the city center really is connected to each other.

- In Manila, I hardly have time to myself. With familial routine activities every week-end, work, going out with my boyfriend and a full household with 4 sisters, I used to crave and cherish time home alone. Now, I am alone more often than usual (in the train on the way to work, in the bus/ taxi to go somewhere, when my flatmate is away, during meals). I still cherish alone time. It doesn't bother me as much to eat alone. It doesn't bother me as much to show up to dinners and to go home after alone. Sometimes it does feel self-concious especially if I am unsure of where to go. But afterwards, I feel that I have accomplished something. Anticipating all this alone time, I have brought over DVD's and TV shows to catch up on. I am getting there and I am not as delayed as I used to be back in Manila. So alone time: going well.

In the end, this experience is all about finding myself and discovering what I am capable of. It is about stepping out of my comfort zone, learning to do things on my own, on my own pace, on my own time. I still miss my loved ones terribly but I know that this has given me confidence and pride as well as experiences I would never have had back home. This has opened my eyes to the world bigger than me. I can't wait for more lessons and experiences to come.

Now to check those things off my list...

Nesting

I am an OC person when it comes to staking out and laying claim to a territory.

Everytime I travel, the first thing I do is unpack. I display all my toiletries, put my toothbrush in the cup, place my shampoo in the shower, hang all my clothes and arrange my footwear at the foot of the closet. It's always a ritual for me to also open the hotel directory and look at all the amenities offered even if I don't plan on doing any of them. I need to make this place my own (albeit even if only for a night or two) and study my surroundings.

So, it comes as no surprise when it came for me to actually settle into my new place, the 3rd place that I would eventually recognize as "home" (the 1st was my grandma's house where I lived for 10 years and the 2nd where my family moved thereafter and where I've been living for 17 years now), I would exert all my efforts madly to make it my own.

I know my boyfriend was ready to kill me but for 3 straight days since the day we arrived in Singapore, we went to good old Ikea. Even though my flat was supposedly fully furnished, the bedroom was sparse with only a bed and a closet. I needed a desk, a night table, a lamp, photo frames, hanging pictures, hamper, sofa bed, mirror, shoe rack, trash cans, beddings, cushions (okay so maybe some were actually wants and not needs). And he was sweet because I bugged him to carry and fix up most of the furniture.

I am a true-blue Libran. I appreciate and need beautiful things around me to be happy. If I was going to be away from the people I love, then all the more I need to be comfortable and look forward to at least going home. I revel in seeing my closet filled to the brim and my desk overflowing. It makes the place feel more like my own than some stranger's. It makes me feel that I am really living in this country and not just here on an extended vacation.

What is it about things that bring us comfort? I love my comfy sofa chair where I curl up and watch my download videos and my soft khaki quilt where I sleep in every weekend. I love the clothes I brought because they bring familiarity. I love the way my desk is now organized into a make-up dresser area and my magazine holders now hold various folders of bills and documents. Most of all I love my mini gallery facing the bed which display a myriad of memories and faces.