Homecoming

I just got back from a week of being in Manila. It was my longest stay back since I moved here 6 months ago. I have been back a total of three times (I know, I'm spoiled!). I've been back thrice for a personal trip usually lasting 4 days 3 nights max. Every trip has been a barrage of emotions.

The first trip back was in June, only a month and a half of being away. It felt strange because I still thought of Manila as home and it didn't feel like I was on "vacation". I felt high seeing friends and family whom I haven't seen for a couple of weeks. I had lots of new experiences to talk about. I missed my loved ones terribly and I looked forward to that trip rather badly. It saved me because if not, I might have given up and gone home after the homesickness wave.

My second trip back was last August. Again it was different as I had more or less adjusted to Singapore life and estabished a routine. Manila still felt like home but it was a home that I felt was dirty and confusing. I was just starting to discover Singapore then with its efficiency and first world planning and facilities. By contrast, Manila with its traffic, pollution and inept government made me think twice about living there again. It felt small, as if there was nothing new to discover again.

My third trip back was early October for my birthday weekend and to celebrate my youngest sister's debut. It was a reunion of sorts, first night with family and relatives at my sister's party. Second night with friends at my party. It was a compact trip back whereby I was able to see people that are close to my heart. I was just coming from a high of the weekend before whereby I was able to do things in my Singapore bucket list like jog around our block and watch a play by myself. But then I thought, what good are those things if you don't have someone to share a drink with after the jog or someone to talk to about the play. It was bittersweet to see everyone but it didn't feel sad after because I knew I would be back soon for my work trip.

This last trip as mentioned was the longest one so far. It was strange to spend that long a time in old familiar places and re-establish routines. Singapore felt like it never happened at all. In no time, I was back to old habits again: things that I wanted so badly to change and climb out of before because I felt that I was stuck in a rut. Surprisingly, I looked forward to these things. Like attending a press meeting, catching up with office people, answering emails at the office, going to my grandma's, having lunch with my family, eating dinner with him at our favorite restaurant, drinks with friends Friday night at usual haunts.

I dreaded leaving. It's harder to say goodbye after a long trip. Somehow, my Singapore life felt so surreal. Now that I am back here, I have mixed feelings about this whole situation. I miss him and my family and my friends. I miss having a close network of people who genuinely care. Strangely enough, I also miss the old familiar routines. But at the same time, being here now reminds me of what I love about this life. Living alone with my own rules, being independent and selfish with what when and how I want things, having time to myself, exploring a new city and discovering what I am capable of.

Each life has its own pro's and con's. I don't regret my time here at all because I have lived and learned. I know that there's more to come. But at the same time, I know that my time here has an expiration date.

There's always that part of a movie wherein the hero realizes what is important in his life - love or career (or whatever at that point the hero is after - pride, money, etc). And always, there is only one answer in all those movies.